How to feel sexy? This is a question I ask myself alot, but probably not enough. I am like many, if not most men, in that I struggle with confidence around my body and my virility. It is not just fixating on flaws that may not exist or people may not care about. Hell perhaps they even like what I see as flaws. No, that struggle exists, but I have tools to deal with the irrationality of some of it and also to deal with the pressures of American culture. I know that I have internal monologues built up over years of rejection that tell me I’m ugly and I know that those are often wrong when I compare myself to the current idealized man. I know that what is considered conventionally hot has changed over time and region, thus robbing the concept, “sexiness” of any true objective standard. When I find myself critiquing parts of my body I don’t like, I know that I can flip that on its head and actively look for the beauty there. I am not good at this but I do know the theory and actively practice.
What gets me is this extra feeling that I don’t have the right to try to look sexy. I feel this is far more common for American men than American women based on my anecdotal experience but I have no real data. I also have far too limited exposure to non binary people to speak of anecdotal experience there. Part of it is wrapped up in outdated ideas of manliness. That it is weak and shameful to focus on being pretty. This is pretty obviously absurd, especially when so many of the idols of modern manliness are pampered, prettied up, covered in makeup, and touch up effects. Hell, the greatest American sports icon of our generation, Tom Brady, is a pretty boy who looks more like a model than a rugged athlete. This contradiction doesn’t stop the average man, in my experience, from feeling like trying to hard to look good is “unmanly” and that it is only acceptable to do it in certain ways. Wearing suits, some light hair product, and basic facial hair grooming are all examples.
On top of that I have an additional struggle, years and years of anti-fashion. I spent so much of my life actively rejecting the idea of trying to cultivate any look. Some might argue I cultivate a disheveled homeless look, like a crust punk. Most days I wear clean slack and a fitted button up shirt, so I’m not sure that fits. Through my teens and twenties rejected any attempt to “look cool” as false, pretentious, and screaming or trying too hard, including those who dressed for outsider cultures. As I grew more mature this moderated a bit into attempts at stoicism, rejecting the need for vanity or nice looks on principle. Again there are some pretty glaring flaws in this world view, but by the time I realized them I had built up 15-20 years of neural pathways telling me trying to look like anything, let alone trying to look sexy, was bullshit.
I’m trying to fix that now. I have realized I’m pretty fucking vain. Rather than reject this part of me, I’m trying to take the pleasure I can from it without letting it rule my life. I still don’t know how to dress though. I’m clueless on how to manage my hair and beard or even where to start with makeup. I figured out nail polish(kinda), a bit of body sculpting, and how to enjoy my pot belly, messed up teeth, and some days even my unibrow.
I really want to put a gif of me doing a seductive eyebrow raise here, but a) I look awkward as hell when I try and b) that sounds like a lot of work. So imagine one. You’re choice if it’s actually sexy or just hilariously awkward…or maybe even pitiably awkward.
It was with this attempt to lean into vanity that I attempted to book a photoshoot with Bewitched Boudoir. I have watched as more and more super sexy photos came out from this company. It’s run by a fellow fighter(and hopefully friend but I don’t like to overstep and assume) who has been pushing the message of feeling sexy in your body no matter what. They have continually done a fantastic job of showing how sexy people can be when given the support and permission. I wondered if that would help me and more importantly I wanted to feed that vanity. I wanted to look hot as fuck. I wanted to hear people exclaim over my body, which like even typing out has me feeling some…feelings. Guilt, Anger, pre-emptive defensiveness, but also confidence and happiness? Shits wild man. Brains. They need a better logging mechanism for debugging, some one fucked that up in the initial design.
Anyway, most of the work I had seen from her has been Women(Cis and Trans) and Non-Binary, nothing from a Man or even from my exposure a more Masculine presenting person, which left me wondering if I would be welcome. I was left with a bunch of nervousness in even approaching Ayden, who runs it, about booking a session, about how it would go, about what I would need, if it were even possible when there are not many sexy lingerie things for dudes. The ones I’ve found scream bottom, which I’ve been told if you are not ready to receive is considered shitty in the male gay community1. When I have worn things like that I have not felt confident, but instead like I’m playing a role which I do not embody. Even if not for the cultural idea of not teasing, I hate posers (see above) so that wouldn’t really work for me. Plus my GF Meaghan told me it didn’t work and like I trust her on that shit.
Turns out all the nervousness was for naught. Ayden was super down to work with me, helped me through my utterly lost confusion, and when it came to clothes basically said, “Go with what makes you feel good and we’ll make it work.” She also answered some questions on how to do that. Meaghan was also instrumental in not only helping me choose outfits, but feel good about the whole process. And turns out…Couples shoots are a thing!?!?!
It was a beautiful and wonderful experience. It was easy, fun, a little silly, and more than a little sexy. The solo shoots were not hard and all nerves disappeared as Ayden kept things light as hell and made posing easy AF. Getting pampered beforehand with hair and makeup was actually pretty dope and has had me rethinking my dedication to not putting in work into my appearance. Too bad I’m lazy though. I’m honestly not sure whether watching Ayden shoot Meaghan in a variety of very sexy outfits was more fun or having her shoot us together. Probably together as it was basically just us being loving to each other in super sexy outfits while Ayden occasionally asked us to do that in a different spot or slightly differently. It was so affirming of our relationship and the pictures that came capture our love beautifully.
Obviously Meaghan’s photo’s came out like fire as she is sex(y) personified, but I was nervous for mine. Coming back and seeing them was amazing. I have done a lot of work on my body over the years and I know that I look athletic. I’ve never been able to see it through someone else’s eyes as truly handsome though. Sometimes I’ll see a part and know that objectively it matches something someone else has, but rarely do I think that makes me actually attractive. Instead I’ve been happy with just being comfortable with myself, with accepting I’m not everyone’s tastes but some will be about it. That’s still true. I’m not everyone’s taste. No one is. Seeing the photos though shocked me into believing that, yeah DAMN son you FINNNEEEE.
However, that feeling has not lasted. I find that now when I look sometimes I am happy, particularly if I just glance but if I actually spend time looking, that inner critic comes out. The first few weeks dealing with this I was just sad for having lost that awesome feeling, of truly believing I was sexy. Now though it’s become a point of meditation and study. I know that I used to think I looked good in these. I believe when others speak to them, they mean it when they say I look good. These facts don’t sway my opinion when considering my body or the pictures now, but it does let me confront that voice, to study it and try to figure out what it is saying and why.
When we first wrapped I thought this would be a completely transformative experience, changing my life and outlook. Over the next few days and weeks I lost that hope and became a bit despondent. I came away thinking this was fun and something I’d probably do again because the pictures are definitely good, but now it was just a “well that was good to experience, to try, to broaden horizons and shit”. Thinking it through though, being able to go back to these, even just a week later, considering the experience as a whole, reflecting on how I felt in the moments, how it created and captured such an example of one of my loves, I have reversed again. This was and continues to be transformative and like most things like that it is in ways I was not ready for and did not see.
So thank you Ayden for allowing and helping me explore a side of me I am sadly prevented from by my own internal issues. For helping me feel sexy as hell, For showing how hot Meaghan and I are as a couple, for giving me excellent photos I can come back to with new outlooks as I grow. And most importantly for making it fun, easy, so that I am just a bit more willing to embrace my inner diva.
1Side note on the whole, don’t dress like a bottom unless you are thing. The idea of wearing clothes making you a tease and therefore shitty seems to be an issue to me. It feels very against building positive body images and feels like it’s pushing strongly against the idea of freely given consent. But also I am not part of the culture, do not understand the context, nor feel I have the needed information to really come to conclusions, but man is that some red flags for me.
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